So i finally moved out of mom's house and moved right into sisters house. This should be interesting. I've been rather quiet maybe because i am heartbroken. This feels like a great opportunity to change everything i want to be rid off.

Being away from mother has calmed my anxiety, i don't feel as anxious as before which is refreshing. I am without a love in my life, heartbroken by both so maybe i should give love a rest?! maybe it's better this way in order to focus my life.

I want to change. I want a new way of thinking, getting toned up and just an overall change in me, i want to erase who i am and become someone else. I want a whole new me. I am tired of this me, tired of my heart and of all.

The voices are clouding my thoughts, my disorganized emotions and my lack of patience is getting to me. I wish to not feel, i wish to just live without falling in love. ehhh....w/e

The surgery went Great! they removed the tumor and she is recovering...I was a bit nervous since the surgery lasted almost 8 hours but thank god it went smooth. I was put off by her doctor who didn't bother to come tell us that the surgery was done or even spoke to my mom to let her know how everything went. When i see him tomorrow i will definitely tell him a piece of my mind after i thank him.  

envy...sadness...feeling incomplete...

 to love truly and deeply....and to be loved that is all i want....

 So i am super nervous, mom's surgery is on the 4th. My nerves are running high and i am grateful to all the wonderful friends who are there for me. I feel sad and been feeling sick form it, my sugar has been through the roof and my high blood pressure as well. Had to be in bed for 2 days just to make the headache go away. 

Sucks! 

Aside from all the stress i missed class again on Saturday so i don't know if i will get dropped by my teacher, i will try to explain the situation but we'll see. 

So on top of that a friend is having a party where three photographers will be displaying their work (including me) and i AM super nervous since i've never done that before. :( 

I never feel like an artist, i always feel i am not good enough. Maybe because the lack of pictures i have taken these last few months, but i feel so detached from it, i feel so sickly. I have scouted a few places that i would love to take pictures BUT just walking 15 minutes will put in bed for 2 days...I am so tired of this.....sooo tired of the 10 pills a day i have to take in order to function, and not even then i function at my best.

She has kept me afloat, luckily i have her. She shields me from all and gives me the support i need. I love her too much. Maybe i am depending on her too much, i need to stop. 

I miss him, i wish he was here for me but he's not. I worry about him, i wonder how worried and stressed he must be about things in his life. And i wish him the best. I wish him an amazing life and career, i wish him to be the person that i know he can be, i smile at this thought. I just want him happy, completely happy. 

 I need to rest, i am tired.

Can i get some rest yet? I just want to lay down and not wake for a hundred years. 

I have to stay calm, relaxed. I fear for my health with all the stress right now, everyday i feel worse than the day before and it feels like my head is going to explode. All i need right now is to be in the hospital again, No...that would be completely horrible. 

We all like to think that we have somewhat control over our lives but i am seriously starting to doubt this. As much as plans are made they seem to be derailed by whatever life throws our way.

Mom has cancer. She knew since 1 month ago and hid it from me. I feel like my whole world came crashing down. I feel so numb about it, still no reaction to it. I am going through my day like nothing was said and i know that when it hits me i will break down.  I can't even think of the possibilities of her leaving me, somehow my mind doesn't allow me to wonder. 

I thought everything was going just fine and somehow nothing is. Job is crap, people being laid off every week. Love? I love her, she loves me, she loves her BF even more, she can't commit to me, i love her so i accept whatever she gives me. 

I feel truly alone. The friends i wish to share this with i cant because we're not as close as i want and i try never to rely on others so it's hard for me to lean on them or ask them to be there for me. I don't think one should ask, if they were active friends in my life i wouldn't need to call them to tell them major news like this. I mean, yes my close friends are there for me, they are my support but it's hard to rely on others when one is not used to that. 

I wish to go to sleep and not wake, i don't want to do this anymore. When will i get my happy ending (no pun intended)? why is everything such a struggle? They say that without the bad we wouldn't appreciate the good but the bad outweighs the good. There's no balance, it's just a series of bad events being thrown our way and we're all just trying to evade them hoping that in the end we will get our reward, i don't believe it will ever come. Maybe i am being ungrateful, maybe, no not maybe, others DO have it worse but this is my hell and i don't want it anymore. 

 i think God hates me or she has an incredible, nasty sense of humor. 

He is leaving sooner than expected...how odd...these emotions...i don't understand them...i am very sad, feel like crying at the thought that i wont see him for a while although it's no different from now... we hardly see each other...but at least i know he is blocks away....at the same time i feel like this will be the turning point, the point where he can become the person he has always wanted to be and for that i can't be sad. I am excited and happy for him, although i really wished he wouldn't marry but i know that she is good for him. 

So i went to do my blood work today...also went to register for my summer classes. I really need to pay the $6000 i owe the other school i went to so they can transfer my credits if not i might have to take them all over again, don't got that type of cash lying around. And i won't ask my sister, i owe her $5000 already...oh well, it is what it is....

well it doesn't matter about the credits....I have to leave to Seattle in 2 years. I want to give myself time to buy everything i need here and have some money saved by the time i move. 

I am going to miss him so much...

I wonder what the future holds...i wonder if we'll ever meet again...i wonder if we'll find each other again...we are matter, particles in this cycle.

"We'll never be this young again"
So why wait forever?
"We'll never be this close again"
Please don't say never

i love baking, hehe! something so sweet and the smell of cookies in the house is delicious. Takes me back to when i was a child.