A dreamer in disguise

troubles comes my way

2008-08-20T08:19:27Z

Why do i have such a strong personality? FUCk.."thanks mom" ::::said sarcastically:::::

i got into it with someone at work..i hate people talking down to me and giving me attitude...so the bitch did it again and i never stay quiet so obviously all hell was going to break loose. i told her that she needs to tone it down & she started to tell me how to act and whatnot. HA! the nerve. so she took it to my director, all this fucking drama cause she wanted me to do whatever she told me to. too funny. so in front of my director she went on to betray me- (we were friends). She started to spill everything i have told her in confidence about a supervisor we both don't like. Obviously i even stated, "i respect your opinion of me" and went on to the issue at hand-as to not look like a gossiper like herself. What a fucking moron- i laughed inside. I simply stated that there no reason for her to speak to me in that manner. My director pointed out to her that she was deviating from the problem at hand. So anyways-made a big fucking deal out of nothing.. HA. I just smiled. I love confrontations cause it brings out the real in all of us. I must confess that i felt betrayed, very much betrayed. I had the same opportunity to spill what she has said but i decided against it, it just seemed so low to me. oh well, at the end i was asked if i had any other concerns-i pointed out that i don't as long as i get treated with respect and didn't see what the big deal was. I LMAOROFL inside.

Anyways..That was my fucking day. NIICE.

on other news..

its been a crazy week...i haven't heard from someone that interests me. so i am a bit confused.

08/12/08

2008-08-12T05:11:09Z

odd...

what is this? ahhh...is the feeling of a new crush. Exciting!!

Changes...Changes are always good...Let's see how this is going to play out. I wonder..

i'll be gone tomorrow

2008-06-22T20:04:04Z

i start school again on the 16th....i cant wait to start...after this break i will only get a 1 week break between quarters, enough to keep me so occupied that i wont worry about matters of the heart. Can this be over soon?

my camera broke...:( i have to call to get it fixed...but i am getting my Nikon D80, been saving up..its so damn costly!! GAWD!!!

I delete my facebook..its just why be a masochist? also deleted some people from my AIM...its pointless to continue hurting myself on purpose... Out of Sight, Out of mind...

i cant wait to finis school to be so far away from here..i know i sound like a broken record but i really am drowning here...

the only thing that makes me smile is her..she makes my heart skip and i just wanna hold her forever..but i know me & her wont have a real relationship, a real commitment...

i'll be gone someday...not even a trace of me left will remain...oh sweet time make this come fast.

afireinzide @ 2008-06-17T18:21:00

2008-06-17T22:26:31Z

i have a headache, those nasty headaches that are due to stress and worry. Problems at work so i have to stand up again and fight for my rights...

on other news, i never got the happy b-day wish...was a fool to think i was gonna get it. but hey w/e. People seem to have forgotten how important words are. am i a mind reader?

i am tired....i just wanna sleep for 3 days straight...so much stress...this weight on my shoulders is getting heavier by the minute.

thoughts after

2008-06-16T03:06:20Z

so i fucked up my hair today--i freaked and went straight to my stylist...its all better now... ^_^

I spent most of my b-day alone..don't feel sorry for me. i Hate my birthday, i get depressed and i like to spend it completely alone. BUt today i didn't get too sad. It just sucks...it makes me think of my life and what i haven't done yet with it. Also the one that i care about doesn't even call me to say happy b-day, not even a text, not even a word (that breaks my heart). I wish things weren't like that, i wish i was thought of more but nope, i am nothing to this person and i never will. Sometimes i wish to leave this place and never come back, never to be so near yet so far. I want to forget this person and never feel so much love and so much pain.

it was a rather peaceful day until the thoughts started creeping in...thoughts of lost loves and hopeless dreams. I wish i didn't have a heart, i wish i can quiet it, just press the mute button. i Hate Love, i hate it so much specially today.

25...

2008-06-15T16:47:20Z

i am 25 today...is it where i wanted to be? yes...

i wont ponder on the "what ifs" but i am looking towards a future not so far away.

ugh...major ugh

2008-06-13T02:43:28Z

im upset tonight...my friend got fired for looking at her phone, yes not talkin on it not even texting just by looking at it...the girl that has it against me fired her...BITCH...im mad..so im gonna go vent a little bit more.

Annoyed

2008-06-09T03:31:16Z

ok i cant help it..but i have to vent...so there's a girl who is obsessed with the girl i have a crush on. dude i mean this girl goes on my page and stalks it. like seriously fucking weird. I dont know what shes trying to accomplish with that. She is always asking me and my crush if we went out during the weekend or she tries so fucking hard to get into our business.I seriously wish i can say a big "fuck off" but unfortunately she's one of my bosses. She's a very sneaky bitch...and when i go see my crush she always, ALWAYS hits on her to get me pissed off (well she tries it doesnt bother me). What a fucking sad excuse of a woman.I am so annoyed. When i get to work shes like, 'oh yea i liked that picu posted"--dude!! you're not even on my buddy list... gawd..i feel like my space is being invaded so i set it on private. i cant even post ppics of me and crush when we go off cause she starts to question us on why we didnt call for her to go with us--uhm...common sense..we dont like u! gawd. ok i am done.

finals

2008-06-09T03:03:35Z

so...i finished my final project for photography-i did nude artistic pictures of the girl that i have a crush on...i feel empty...and yet so content with my life...i am happy about my school, photography but i feel sorta sad as well..i don't like to feel this way because i feel like i bring this on to myself. Why cant it all be good-all around?

my friends are getting married and having kids...why do i want that? but at the same time i don't. i want a career, i want to be a photographer. so why am i envious of that which i don't have? it just sucks. Love is always eluding me. but eh, what can i do? nothing...i wont settle for less. I am so happy about so many things but i wish i had someone to share them with. :( it sucks.. to feel lonely at the most joyful times of your life.

Next week i have finals. turning in all my projects for different classes.i'll have a whole month off. sweet.

oh yea..btw..i might have to place my myspace on private..unwanted drama is being thrown my way and the truth is that i dont want to deal with it. sucks..i dont know why people have to be always checking what u do and stalking your page.

Relationships

2008-06-02T14:47:37Z

like moths to a fucking flame..i love it...i laugh at it...i must not become it...It seems a bit too much to me...

Someday I will be Loved

2008-05-27T03:54:09Z

4 days of hw and editing...creating art left & right...maybe a couple of yrs ago i would have fallen into a deep depression but when does someone have time for that anymore? i sure don't..so i care for someone and once again they dont feel the same, even worse they have someone already...my, my...what is a girl to do? i have found inspiration in my own pain..my heart...

i keep thinking of this song...i know it to be true...

I once knew a girl in the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer, all beauty and truth
But in the morning I fled, left a note and it read
"Someday you will be loved"

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Because each broken heart will eventually mend
And as the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved, you'll be loved
Like you never have known
And the memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
And someday you will be loved

You'll be loved, you'll be loved
Like you never have known
And the memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved, you'll be loved
Like you never have known
And the memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

By Death Cab for Cutie...

Now...i will continue to focus on finishing school...i am so proud of myself and my pictures. I worked so hard on them and i didn't give up. I just wish i can be done with school...I will leave Miami once i am done. Leave the pain and memories behind...Leave the unrequited love and his charming ways. I cant wait to leave...if not i'll surely drown here.

Red Balloon (pics)

2008-05-26T04:29:07Z

Today has been the best yet saddest day. Such heartbreak...it hurts..it truly hurts...all i do is cry and i am sure i will for a long time.. :(

is the only thing distracting me...my other narrative story...

Update...12:53am...

OK..i changed my mind...I will NOT be sad...I will NOT fall down again...

Exposed Heart (pics)

2008-05-25T22:35:38Z

so i finished printing my pics for the narrative assignment....it came to me last minute as my heart broke yet again...this is how i feel...

^_^

2008-05-22T23:12:20Z

its a good day today..its an amazing day...smiles all the way through...although i am in pain & in bed i wont stop smiling. I have so many things to smile about. WHy is a beautiful day today!

^_^

remember this date & feeling..for it wont last forever

another day

2008-05-22T03:58:35Z

ok..wtf...

have you ever felt that you are absolutely sure of something then your feelings/thoughts change? well that is how i am feeling now. Once i make a decision i follow it through even if i want to back down. I feel different today--the "if" factor. sucks..

so i felt pain today again...couldnt make it to work..if i keep this up i wont have a job soon...

i have to lay down..nite

lalalala

2008-05-20T22:01:26Z

After a long creative block i finally came up with the idea for my two projects...lets hope it comes out good..i will post once i finish them...

i finally went back to school and work. i missed a whole week due to my back.

other news...i am happy!!

ok...in class now..

B&W

2008-05-18T16:14:04Z

uhm...

LMAOROFL...

:::remember this moment:::::

coincidences? i think not....what are the odds???.... i will laugh at life for this...Or is it the other way around? lol...

ok..

DONe

ok..checkin in..

2008-05-13T16:56:03Z

so midterms were good!! ^_^ for the exception of my photography midterm which i completely failed--nerves got to me and everything that could go wrong went wrong. My film wouldn't load, my camera fell and wouldn't work finally when developing the film got stuck in the reel ruining all of my pictures. I cried all night but i was given another chance by my professor to turn it in this Thursday-THANK GOD!!!

ok..so yesterday i woke up in horrible pain. i couldn't sit or walk. I immediately left work to the Chiro to discover i have a herniated disk..niiice...so now i am in bed rest for the next 2 days...great..i cant even go to school which i'm not supposed to but i am going anyways. I can't miss school, i have only 3 more weeks, i think..

AHHH!!! MIdterms!!

2008-05-05T04:00:51Z

ok...i have creative block...i am completely drawing a blank when it comes to my photography project. it's supposed to be narrative pictures BUT for the life of me i dont know what type of story to tell....i have spent 2 days completely stressed about it....

on the other hand i started my design project..its coming up well....

i have midterms this following week...i know i'll be fine in art history and computers. Design class-maybe...its just stepping out of my control zone that is hard. I dont know how to just let loose in my designs...

NOW...photography.i want it too perfect, too good. Maybe i am just pressuring myself, a perfectionist BUT i have to be good at these projects. This is my Major. So i have been lacking creativity for the last few days, i cant think of anything..how annoying...and knowing myself it would come when i least expect it. Even more annoying. I have a few ideas but i just have to do storyboard cause i dont have a sense of direction...

I Need to release some stress..i need to get laid..

so im in class.bored as hell

2008-04-29T22:41:14Z

Stole this from suchakiller

There are only two rules: You must answer YES or NO. You may not explain unless someone asks.

Taken a picture naked? YES
Made money illegally? YES
Had a one night stand? NOT YET
Been in a fist fight? YES
Slept with your best friend? YES
Had sex in a public place? YES
Ditched work to have sex? YES
Had sex with a member of the same sex? YES
Seen someone die? NO
Ran from the police? NO
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? OH YES
Worn your partners unmentionables? NO
Fallen asleep at work? YES
Used toys in the bedroom? YES
Ran a red light? YES
Been fired? YES
Been in a car accident? YES
Pole danced or done a striptease? YES
Loved someone you shouldn't? YES
Sang karaoke? ODDLY NO
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? YES
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? YES
Caught someone having sex? YES..HEHE
Kissed a perfect stranger? YES
Shaved your partner? NO
Given your private parts a nickname? NO
Ever gone in public without underwear? YES
Had sex on a roof top? NO
Played chicken? NO
Mooned/flashed someone? YES
Do you sleep naked? ALWAYS..YES
Blacked out from drinking? YES
Felt like killing someone? YES
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? NO
Been with someone because they were in a band? NO
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? OH YES
Shot a gun? NO
Gone outside naked? NO

wtf

2008-04-28T23:35:20Z

so some Asshole which i am not going to name..Let's call him hater..completely hated on my pictures. WOW. first of all it takes a great deal to print these pictures. It takes 1 hour to print one picture if you know how to multi task then you can probably do about 5 pictures. And obviously you cant print all pictures at the same time, how would you know which one comes out right and where to adjust if you dont do a testing first. OMG. so this is how it went down, this Hater decided to attack my lack of creativity. WOW....first of all i didnt do the usual myspace pictures or even frontal. I tried several different ways in the small time alloted to me to take these pics. I have school mon-thru 6-9pm and the only time i have lab hours is on saturday while my photography is on Thursday meaning if i am given an assignment i only have Friday after work to shoot so i can spend the whole the at the lab on saturday. The nerve of this asshole. I feel completely offended and to add fuel to the fire he said i lack inspiration. MoFO. I loved my pictures, it took me 8 hours in a room filled with people messing with the chemicals and turning on the lights. I worked hard. I just cant believe people can be so jealous or just plain spiteful. WOW. Asshole!

Anyways..ranting done...Just so you my dear friends understand the process this is it.

Step 1: do a test strip to measure how many seconds you need to use to print the picture exactly right. 10 minutes
Step 2: Clean the negative and make sure it is aligned correctly also make sure you have the proper filter and check for the grain.
Step 3: Time it properly and make sure filter is in. I usually do my prints for 5-9 seconds.
Step4: once you have printed process it.
Step 5: place in Developer for 1 minute constantly agitating the picture. This process will make your picture show on the paper.
Step 6: Place picture in Stop Bath for 40 seconds constantlt agitating it.
Step 7: Place pic in Fixer. for 1 minute
Step 8: Place pic in water. Washing it. for 5 minutes.
Step 9: Place pic in hypo clear out in the open light for 2 minutes also agitating it constantly
Step 10: Place in final wash for 5 minutes.
Step 11: Dry for 20-30 minutes.

Step 1-8 are all done in the darkroom with only a red light. And it has to be timed properly. Dirty chemicals (used) can damage the picture.So this was my ordeal on Saturday and for someone to criticize my creativity and inspiration is just plain wrong. Fucking jerk. BTW his pictures are very shitty not just because he's hating on my. But my personal opinion is the he lacks creativity. And lastly this project will not be graded based on creativity, this is to make sure we know the process of printing... ugh..anyways..im done

B&W Self Portraits

2008-04-27T03:10:26Z

ok...so i was printing pictures for a total of 8 hrs..my assignment was to print 4 self portraits. phew..my back is killing me and i am beat. but nonetheless i finished...i feel so accomplished. my first printing pictures. WOW...those that know of photography can understand & imagine the work that goes into this.

Hope you guys like it. ^_^

eeckkk!!!!!!!

2008-04-23T14:54:08Z

ok today i will be developing for about 4 hrs....this is the first time doing it without my teacher supervision..i am nervous..i've been practicing reeling the film and i hope all my pics come out...i am going to be so mad at myself if it doesnt....

ok i think i am doing story line pics next....i have to do it before saturday so i can at least be at the lab on saturday workin on it...

wish me luck..

here it goes pt.2

2008-04-21T21:41:55Z

so i confronted her today...i called her a liar and a hypocrite.I told her how much i love her and how she hurt me. I told her she lost my friendship and i could never trust her again. I told her she lost a great friend in me and i even moved my desk to seat somewhere else away from her.

So after the pride subsided i caved in to my heart. I told her how much i missed her the last few days that we weren't talking and i told her i love her so much that it hurts. She asked me for a hug... I went to her and we hugged in what it seemed to be an eternity and we kissed (on the cheeks). She promised that she wouldnt lie to me again and my heart believe it all. She apologized for lying to me but she told me that she knew that i was going to get jealous and she didnt want me to get like that. I just looked at her and my heart sank. I care for her too much to let her go.

I cant believe i feel this way...she cause my world to shake and now i dont want to ever let her go again. I am hurt yet i feel so much joy to have her love.

WTF....when the hell did i fall for a girl? when ? i cant remember...but now shes all i know. She's all i see...She's all that i want.

ON a darker note..one of my good friends father passed away...she is devastated...i will comfort her today..i feel for her..i cant even imagine what that is like.</strong></font>

<3

2008-04-21T02:33:35Z

my heart is like a ship with no destination..she is lost at sea not knowing where to aim her sails. Wandering alone day & night looking up at the sky for a hint from the stars. Will she ever find her way or will she sail aimlessly throughout this vast empty ocean?

All other ships have captains yet my helm sits empty. i am waiting. I am waiting. will i wait forever? will someone come and board me? let my sails free and roam the seas with an actual destination? or am i destined to be alone?

She left my heart..he still remains..but i must release him as well....this cannot continue...