You left me boundaries of pain

She left me.

baonindan@gmail.com — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 08:25:13 GMT

I felt it dying as it burned one last time. No more light to illuminate the darkness, to keep the dark thoughts at bay. No more will it shine so brightly as it once did. No more, she has gone and dawn has come.

Pain..yet again...

baonindan@gmail.com — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 03:21:05 GMT

heartbreak....heartbreak......

and here I thought I had enough of that...silly Nani...

baonindan@gmail.com — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 01:09:51 GMT

hmm...

well that hurt...

a new hope.

baonindan@gmail.com — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:10:06 GMT

So someone new has walked right into my life. It's exciting, thrilling and completely unexpected but very welcomed. He makes me feel great and when he holds me it's like he's holding on to a newfound treasure which I absolutely love. I like his company so far and I feel completely at ease with myself.

In this moment, I am Content.

Beginnings

baonindan@gmail.com — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 02:35:59 GMT

So i finally moved out of mom's house and moved right into sisters house. This should be interesting. I've been rather quiet maybe because i am heartbroken. This feels like a great opportunity to change everything i want to be rid off.

Being away from mother has calmed my anxiety, i don't feel as anxious as before which is refreshing. I am without a love in my life, heartbroken by both so maybe i should give love a rest?! maybe it's better this way in order to focus my life.

I want to change. I want a new way of thinking, getting toned up and just an overall change in me, i want to erase who i am and become someone else. I want a whole new me. I am tired of this me, tired of my heart and of all.

The voices are clouding my thoughts, my disorganized emotions and my lack of patience is getting to me. I wish to not feel, i wish to just live without falling in love. ehhh....w/e

Grateful

baonindan@gmail.com — Tue, 05 May 2009 05:35:05 GMT

The surgery went Great! they removed the tumor and she is recovering...I was a bit nervous since the surgery lasted almost 8 hours but thank god it went smooth. I was put off by her doctor who didn't bother to come tell us that the surgery was done or even spoke to my mom to let her know how everything went. When i see him tomorrow i will definitely tell him a piece of my mind after i thank him.

what's on tonight's menU?

baonindan@gmail.com — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 03:18:48 GMT

envy...sadness...feeling incomplete...

baonindan@gmail.com — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 07:46:21 GMT

to love truly and deeply....and to be loved that is all i want....

I miss you.

baonindan@gmail.com — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 03:31:20 GMT

So i am super nervous, mom's surgery is on the 4th. My nerves are running high and i am grateful to all the wonderful friends who are there for me. I feel sad and been feeling sick form it, my sugar has been through the roof and my high blood pressure as well. Had to be in bed for 2 days just to make the headache go away.

Sucks!

Aside from all the stress i missed class again on Saturday so i don't know if i will get dropped by my teacher, i will try to explain the situation but we'll see.

So on top of that a friend is having a party where three photographers will be displaying their work (including me) and i AM super nervous since i've never done that before. :(

I never feel like an artist, i always feel i am not good enough. Maybe because the lack of pictures i have taken these last few months, but i feel so detached from it, i feel so sickly. I have scouted a few places that i would love to take pictures BUT just walking 15 minutes will put in bed for 2 days...I am so tired of this.....sooo tired of the 10 pills a day i have to take in order to function, and not even then i function at my best.

She has kept me afloat, luckily i have her. She shields me from all and gives me the support i need. I love her too much. Maybe i am depending on her too much, i need to stop.

I miss him, i wish he was here for me but he's not. I worry about him, i wonder how worried and stressed he must be about things in his life. And i wish him the best. I wish him an amazing life and career, i wish him to be the person that i know he can be, i smile at this thought. I just want him happy, completely happy.

baonindan@gmail.com — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 06:05:36 GMT

I need to rest, i am tired.

Can i get some rest yet? I just want to lay down and not wake for a hundred years.

I have to stay calm, relaxed. I fear for my health with all the stress right now, everyday i feel worse than the day before and it feels like my head is going to explode. All i need right now is to be in the hospital again, No...that would be completely horrible.

tired of being broken

baonindan@gmail.com — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 02:40:41 GMT

We all like to think that we have somewhat control over our lives but i am seriously starting to doubt this. As much as plans are made they seem to be derailed by whatever life throws our way.

Mom has cancer. She knew since 1 month ago and hid it from me. I feel like my whole world came crashing down. I feel so numb about it, still no reaction to it. I am going through my day like nothing was said and i know that when it hits me i will break down. I can't even think of the possibilities of her leaving me, somehow my mind doesn't allow me to wonder.

I thought everything was going just fine and somehow nothing is. Job is crap, people being laid off every week. Love? I love her, she loves me, she loves her BF even more, she can't commit to me, i love her so i accept whatever she gives me.

I feel truly alone. The friends i wish to share this with i cant because we're not as close as i want and i try never to rely on others so it's hard for me to lean on them or ask them to be there for me. I don't think one should ask, if they were active friends in my life i wouldn't need to call them to tell them major news like this. I mean, yes my close friends are there for me, they are my support but it's hard to rely on others when one is not used to that.

I wish to go to sleep and not wake, i don't want to do this anymore. When will i get my happy ending (no pun intended)? why is everything such a struggle? They say that without the bad we wouldn't appreciate the good but the bad outweighs the good. There's no balance, it's just a series of bad events being thrown our way and we're all just trying to evade them hoping that in the end we will get our reward, i don't believe it will ever come. Maybe i am being ungrateful, maybe, no not maybe, others DO have it worse but this is my hell and i don't want it anymore.

baonindan@gmail.com — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 04:05:28 GMT

i think God hates me or she has an incredible, nasty sense of humor.

I'll smile on the outside for you.

baonindan@gmail.com — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 04:22:44 GMT

He is leaving sooner than expected...how odd...these emotions...i don't understand them...i am very sad, feel like crying at the thought that i wont see him for a while although it's no different from now... we hardly see each other...but at least i know he is blocks away....at the same time i feel like this will be the turning point, the point where he can become the person he has always wanted to be and for that i can't be sad. I am excited and happy for him, although i really wished he wouldn't marry but i know that she is good for him.

So i went to do my blood work today...also went to register for my summer classes. I really need to pay the $6000 i owe the other school i went to so they can transfer my credits if not i might have to take them all over again, don't got that type of cash lying around. And i won't ask my sister, i owe her $5000 already...oh well, it is what it is....

well it doesn't matter about the credits....I have to leave to Seattle in 2 years. I want to give myself time to buy everything i need here and have some money saved by the time i move.

I am going to miss him so much...

I wonder what the future holds...i wonder if we'll ever meet again...i wonder if we'll find each other again...we are matter, particles in this cycle.

"We'll never be this young again"
So why wait forever?
"We'll never be this close again"
Please don't say never

chocolate chip cookies!

baonindan@gmail.com — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 02:25:28 GMT

i love baking, hehe! something so sweet and the smell of cookies in the house is delicious. Takes me back to when i was a child.

it is back

baonindan@gmail.com — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 03:28:13 GMT

this pain, horrible pain is back...anyone has a saw? just cut my damn legs....days like these i just want to die so i dont feel pain anymore...fucking pain

possibilities...so many

baonindan@gmail.com — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 04:13:13 GMT

so i am looking at Seattle UNiversity--they offer a BFA in photography as well as a MFA, which is an amazing program since you work closely with the industry, marketing and all that good stuff. I am super excited. So i spoke to Maritza and she told me Diane could help me out to look for a photography job up in Seattle, only bad news is Diane is moving down to MIami in the summer..when i move i will be all alone. but it's okay, that's what i wanted right? to be alone, completely alone. far away from any memories of Jairo and to find a way to start all over again? well, yes that is what i want...i think...maybe..well if i get too lonely i can just move back home or to Texas, my sister should be moving there soon. And maybe James will still be available, maybe there can be an US then. I wonder.

i am in pain tonight, i am on my 2nd Vicodin for the night and it's not even easing the pain...i don't even feel high, or anything...

i am capable of being whoever i want to be..so why am i holding back? it's that stupid voice, the one that criticizes me and judges every move i make. I am having a hard time at work keeping my anger in check..i would like to send everyone to hell but i need the job for now...i wish i can just tell them off, i have come a long way. I was never able to fake a smile, now i can make them believe i care when deep inside i really don't give a fuck about anything.

I am talking to Melissa almost every day. I am happy that she is in my life.

I ask you for things you cannot give me yet i still ask. I want that which you cannot give me yet i still want it. I love you regardless if you don't love me and i need you even though you don't want me to need you. I am going against everything cause i truly feel that you are meant for me. I wish i can just be committed and be done with this. Maybe in the looney tune i can maybe get some clarity. I am a nut job to believe in something i cannot see, to believe beyond what actions show. I am dumb and in 10 years from now i will laugh at myself cause deep down i believe that we are meant to be. and when i realize that we are not i will have wasted my life for you. I really don't care though cause this feeling is too good, feels amazing...i am in love with someone that i have created in my head, well i am in love with you...and although i can't have you i am happy to feel this feeling, because it feels so good on the good days.

i am super excited about moving to Seattle...i have buy furniture, a new bed..make sure i have all the software and my new Imac....gawd so much to do this year..i Can't wait to be on my own, can't wait to have my own place. I just need to move FAST, i am drowning. I love, LOVe MIami but too hot for me..i want to experience a different life, i want to live in a green place, where nature commands you. i mean, don't get me wrong MIami has great beaches but i want mountains, hiking, lakes, snow...all that nature, beautiful nature. i want to be far away from everything and everyone.

to start a new life...how exciting!!! i can't wait. to meet new people, to make new friends, to meet a new love. a love for living.

Shower=HEAVEN!

baonindan@gmail.com — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 03:53:29 GMT

so i have just spent the last 5 1/2 hrs cooking...hehe..i made some Arroz imperial which is a cuban dish, luv me some!

I tried it and the taste was amazing, the only thing i have to work on is the rice, it came out too mushy...i was impatient so i kept putting water...i know, i know!

here are some pics

Overall it was very good...the taste of lime was amazing!

A very good night

baonindan@gmail.com — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 17:51:57 GMT

so i had an amazing night..MUST always remember it...

SO i reconnected with Melissa, i took her to Lincoln Road to go into the Peter Lik gallery, one of my favorite landscape photographers. then i took her to SUshi Samba which was way fun since we got hit on by these 2 doctors who bought us drinks, let's just say we got shitfaced! but the amazing part is that it felt like time never passed by, it felt like we hadn't stop talking even though we haven't for the last 3 years. I missed her so much in my life. I make friends, and very good friends but she has always been the one i truly trusted. Come on, 11 years of friendship can't be dismissed so easily specially when those years you spent almost every other day with that person.

So after getting wasted i called my gay friend to come out and take care of me...hehe...He took us to Starbucks to get us sober up and chilled for a while. Then we drove to downtown to Transit Lounge, awesome live music.

Overall the night went amazingly great!

I really missed her...I have new, great, amazing friends who i simply adore BUT Melissa can't be compared to none. SHe meant and still means so much to me, just like Jairo, my two special loves in my life. The ones that no matter how much time passes by i still love like days of old. hmm....

i am currently 90% happy....if only i had his love, that would totally complete me right now. oh well...

At least i am not closed to love, hopefully i'll find another screw to take the place of this one....but i feel that is very unlikely...

Lust

baonindan@gmail.com — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 05:48:51 GMT

fucking lust, i am lusting and i need to stay away from him...this boy is dangerous...but turns me on...shit! must stay away....I am playing with fire tonight and i can't let it happen. He is taken and i am a good girl......

hmmm.....but damn, he is exactly what i need right now.... no strings, just sex.....

oh well...i'll go to sleep before i act stupid.

My only regret...is

baonindan@gmail.com — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 02:38:47 GMT

For many years i have believed in the idea that one should not express regret over what has transpired in the past but now i finally understand why some do. It's pain, awful, gut retching pain. So much pain that it leaves you still, frozen in a catatonic state out which you cant walk away from. I desire a different life, a different memory of love, of my teenage years not being wasted. Emotions completely wasted on someone who in the end doesn't deserve it. My only regret is that i ever met him. I wish i could go back in time to correct my biggest mistake, my biggest sorrow.

Let me be clear, he is not a bad person, not at all. BUt he is the cause of all my pain. I just wish that instead of becoming part of his life i would have chosen to be a stranger, someone unknown...I want to be rid of this feeling forever, i never want to feel this again. I don't know how to stay away and yet that is the only way i can maybe move on. I wish to be far away from him forever but i don't have the will to do so, maybe he can do it for me. I only hope that he does, that he shuts me out completely. Maybe then, only then i may be able to fall in love again.

as the drugs take over me...

baonindan@gmail.com — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 04:52:01 GMT

i feel numb..i feel ok...i feel no pain..i feel nothing just dazed. I guess that is good, or maybe is the extra vicodin i took tonight.

I am enjoying my psychology class, it reminded me how much i love psychology...but my passion is art...i can be all things in this life, i have so much time, so much to give, so much to learn.

My professor said based on a drawing i made, that i am a passionate person, love nature, currently dont want to give love and that i am hiding from the world....To the last detail, she got that right.... I loved it...

SO i developed a crush...at least is something...oh but how they come and go...it never stays... oh well....

SO i am super duper excited about the film festival..yey!

another sleepless night

baonindan@gmail.com — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 06:13:35 GMT

2/25

so i am reconnecting with an X-BFF. The one that destroyed my ability to trust anyone who came after her. All is forgiven but it's weird talking to her now, it's like i can't remember why i was her friend before. Meaning, i can't remember who i used to be when i was friends with her, maybe i didn't have an identity. IDK.

on other news, i will be visiting Seattle in April. i will be moving there next year so i would like to spend as much time as i can. With Him leaving to Boston, it makes me realize i need more distance and solitude from everything i know. INternet is my only link and thats how i would prefer it.

2/26

After much needed sleep it's is 1am, and i cant sleep. lol...i should definitely go to sleep, i have class at 8am...and it takes me 45 minutes to get to the campus...

I am feeling a bit better, i am very happy i spoke to Melissa last night (for 3 hrs). We reconnected and i am happy that i have my friend of 10 years back in my life. SHe broke me yet i still have much love for her.

At least i can be happy about that, and so many others. I am feeling super appreciated at my job. I am going to school, getting healthier and have such amazing friends...so why am i still sad? why cant that be enough?

I think Love is overrated, i think Love should be obsolete.....Let's just get rid of this obsession with obtaining it....

baonindan@gmail.com — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 00:12:31 GMT

i am sad..beyond sad right now...it feels so hollow...i wonder what time will tell. i wonder if i will ever be over this, i am so fucking sad.

...

baonindan@gmail.com — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 01:49:28 GMT

i am so lost right now...lost in myself...lost to the darkness and these thoughts that only seem to drag me down.

I wanna lose myself tonight and stop feeling all these emotions that only make me want to disappear. Make me curse God for being born and most of all to fall so deeply in love that i cant seem to function. Why couldn't i be a boy? they seem to be less emotional than us girls. I wish.

baonindan@gmail.com — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 14:11:50 GMT

not a good day...not a good day at all...

why cant i will it?